Colonial Irrigation

Oh, no, I don't really WORK OUT as such, just 50 crunches before breakfast and a weekly spinning classMore news!  I say ‘news’, what’s actually happening is we’re branching out into that peculiar no-man’s land between news story and advert that you see on those other gaming websites all the time. You know the ones I mean.

Gearbox software (of good but never great FPSes fame) have released a shiny CGI video of their upcoming game, Aliens: Colonial Marines.  Utilising Moon music, it’s in the ‘action-packed but in slow-mo’ genre of trailers that Gears of War so kindly introduced to the world, and reveals almost no details about the game itself other than it contains some Aliens, and some Colonial Marines.  It reminds me of a film…..Starship Troopers maybe?  See what you think (read on for even MORE news!):

The trailer, however, is but a mere rat in an air-vent setting off your motion scanner, distracting you from the chest-bursting horror that is the release date has slipped until Autumn (a.k.a. ‘the Fall‘)!  To help you recover from that scare, how about you watch some actual gameplay footage from last year’s E3 while I go start the ship’s self-destruct sequence:

Laterz

Bisaac gets a retlease

Isaac will be available in stores just like this one!

More news!  Today word reaches us….err, wait, what’s that?  I usually only write overlong, rambling essays once every other crescent moon, why am I suddenly writing short daily news articles?  I don’t know what you’re talking about!   And no, it certainly isn’t to do with that news writer job I might apply for!  The people need to hear the latest gaming news, isn’t that reason enough?  Yes, I know I read it somewhere else, but how do you think Trevor McDonald gets his news?  Because he was at the scene of every major newsworthy event of the last 30 years!?  No!  Quite.  Now keep quiet, you’re eating into my precious, precious, imaginary word count.

Right, sorry about that readers, my internal dialogue somehow spilled onto the web for a second there.  I’ll have to keep this brief:

The superlative Binding of Isaac is to get a proper retail release in a special ‘Unholy Edition’, which includes a DRM free version of the game, a free Steam gifting key, the soundtrack, a poster and a 40 page “Devzine.”

A “Devzine” is presumably a magazine made by the developers, and is one of those horrible new words formed by smashing two perfectly good old ones together, like bromance, Subo and spork that will inevitably lead to all language being combined into one massive word every one will bark at each other in the end days before a giant George Orwell returns from the grave to blast us with lasers from his eyes, tutting “I did warn you” so loudly, the entire world explodes.

The Binding of Isaac: Unholy Edition will ‘hit’ stores on the 16th March.  Here’s a picture:

Monitors not included (just as well, they're hideous)

Minecats

You better craft a bigger litter tray

What do you get if you combine 2 of the last year’s most popular internet searches?  A super-injunction against zumba?  Pippa Middleton’s arse gets a twitter account?  Osama bin Laden killed by dubstep?  Well, possibly, but what I was really thinking of was cats in Minecraft.  Which is exactly what the latest Minecraft update has introduced.

One of the new landscapes, the jungle biome, will now contain Ocelots which can be tamed using raw fish and kept as pets, just like Salvador Dali did (he kept an Ocelot as a pet, I mean.  I have as yet been unable to verify if raw fish were involved).  As the video below demonstrates you can then accrue an army of cats to follow you around like a crazy old cat lady.  Alas, you can’t use them to attack things.  My powers of journalistic insight have also ascertained that they squirt hearts out of their heads for no apparent reason.

Apparently this is all very cute, but on a day when my own cat woke me up at 5am by clawing my neck to shreds I have been unable to see it as anything other than a horrifying nightmare, which is at least in keeping with my interactions with all the other mobs in Minecraft.

That is all!